This was originally published August 14, 2021
When I was 19 and solo poly there was this guy I met on okcupid who was so sweet and had the cutest corgi and we hung out a bunch and had great chemistry but neither of us ever made any moves and I finally got the courage to ask him about it.
He said he didn’t think he could be poly and that he really liked me and didn’t want to just hook up knowing he had feelings and couldn’t really do a relationship, that he respected me and liked me and didn’t want to mislead me.
I know many of us who have dated men have had shitty experiences but I know there’s also a lot of good, respectful experiences we’ve had that we probably don’t talk about as much because for some reason it’s been framed as basic behavior that doesn’t deserve recognition.
But it’s actually not basic, because the basic foundations of relationships in our culture are pretty toxic and exploitative.
That experience stands out warmly to me because it was so respectful and thoughtful and that was something rare in my life at the time- from people of all genders.
I wish we could trash the notion that lifting up kind and thoughtful behavior is giving someone recognition they don’t deserve.
Kindness and thoughtfulness are traits worthy of high praise.