Dec 14, 2021
Differentiation makes no guarantee that a relationship will last past a point it can no longer last, because even as differentiation is a framework for creating healthy relationships, the goal of it is ultimately centered on the integrity of the self.
Truly, what makes a relationship between two well differentiated individuals so satisfying, and capable of reaching depths that enmeshmed relationships only dream of- is the awareness of separateness, of choice, of impermanence.
When you accept that there truly are no guarantees in life, that you never know what ways you or your beloved may grow, when you face the real possibility of an end- you face the reality that every moment together is a choice you make.
And you can choose to make that choice wearing a mask, rejecting intimacy in favor of comfort as the possibility of true, deep connection lays dormant and passion slips away-
or you can make that choice showing up unapologetically as your full self, taking on the risk of rejection and separation.
How can you be intimate with a person you refuse to reveal yourself to?
How can you experience that ecstatic, passionate connection that comes with two people witnessing each other fully and making the conscious choice to be together if you can’t distinguish yourselves as two distinct people who may also say no?
The framework of differentiation is not as feel-good as frameworks that focus on how you’re supposed to make your partner feel.
Differentiation is scary because it comes with a lot of risk, because it asks us to do things that are terrifying to do.
But the payoff is a life lived in integrity, a depth of passion you can find no other way, and ironically enough- a greater possibility for security.
Two beings who are secure in themselves, willing to reveal themselves fully and choose each other intentionally are more solid than two people whose choice to remain together is based on illusions.