You are Not More Emotionally Available than Your Partner

Dec 22, 2021

If you think you’re more emotionally available or capable of being intimate than your partner-

You’re probably not.

People in long term relationships are usually at similar levels of differentiation to each other.

That means that their ability to be intimate and stay grounded in that closeness is at about roughly the same level.

It’s common in relationships that one partner will pursue the other for intimacy.

They will say that the other is afraid of vulnerability and lament their lack of closeness.

The implication is that- were their partner suddenly available for intimacy, they would be happy and ready to meet them there.

The implication is that they are good at intimacy, and their partner is not.

But if that were true- why would they choose an emotionally unavailable partner?

The answer is because that feels safe to them.

You don’t have to be intimate with a partner that refuses to be intimate.

And often when faced with intimacy, vulnerability, or authentic care, the chasing partner hardly knows what to do with themselves.

So if you want to know how capable of intimacy you are- take a good look at the close friends and partners you choose.

You may express it through different mechanisms but how deep you can go is likely to be roughly as deep as they can go.